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The Ian God Party
Saturday 7 July 2007

It's the day we've all waited for. Years of anticipation have built towards Ian's twenty-fourth birthday which fell on the 7th of July, 2007. 7/7/7 was expected to bring both armageddon and Ian's ultimate ascension from the Earth. It didn't come down to that, but the party was still a hit.

Attendees: Ian Malcolm, James Malcolm, Mimi Malcolm, Kim Powalowski, Laura Mayfield, Phil Dake, Mike Gillespie, Ashley Bauerschmidt, Charles Meyer, Paul Arquette, Jeff Osthimer, Josh Gulch, Dan Norton, Jakab Norton, Alexis Norton, Kellie Seiler, Nick Jones, Alisa Rowland, Robbie Worth, Brooke Fasnaugh, Matt Zalecki, Dwight Munson, and Cathy Clifton.


Because I know this is sometimes the only way to start you off I suppose the only way to start this gallery off would be with a photo of Jeff's wet tushie.

Photo Credit Josh Gulch
Which is odd, since you'd expect him to be cool with that Charles does not appreciate the Internet watching him dry off.

Photo Credit Josh Gulch
There was business to be done Josh had to go swimming as soon as he arrived. Like he had to catch up on missing half the afternoon.

Photo Credit Josh Gulch
Maybe the owner also got carried away This was a cluster of balloons that got away. We thought someone's sandle was tied to them but nobody complained about missing their footwear.

Photo Credit Josh Gulch
Insert walrus reference here Phil tried to take off with the Malcolm's bucket. He did not get far.

Photo Credit Josh Gulch
Theirs was a diligent watch The Dream Team is on duty to ensure that nobody tried to heist that keg.

Photo Credit Josh Gulch
Phil and Mike, on the other hand, have no choice in the matter Charles and Jeff are not paid to rock out. They just do.

Photo Credit Josh Gulch
Badminton is an aggitating game Badminton? What sort of fun is this?

Photo Credit Josh Gulch
Not a very good question, though Do people truly enjoy playing this game? It is a question for the ages.

Photo Credit Josh Gulch
It is right below the sack race Josh does not find badminton to be the most exciting of sports.

Photo Credit Josh Gulch
Pizza is more important than shuttlecock, unless you live in California Ian returns to the land of the living after confirming pizza orders.

Photo Credit Josh Gulch
We are not here to be friends!  Where is the death match? This was just a bunch of people standing around chatting like this whole ordeal was some sort of social gathering.

Photo Credit Josh Gulch
Your tax dollars at work Congress has recently ruled that Mike is officially cool.

Photo Credit Josh Gulch
Only Connecticut voted 'nay' Furthermore, an amendment was passed confirming James as being cool.

Photo Credit Josh Gulch
Even though she's a girl By special provision, Laura was also acknowledged as cool.

Photo Credit Josh Gulch
Then all the chicks will be diggin' on him Charles needs to keep practicing the theme from Terminator if he ever hopes to win the talent show.

Photo Credit Josh Gulch
Paul at least has camera terrors as an excuse It's Alisa, one of the least photographed people on the Internets.

Photo Credit Josh Gulch
We all got Norton 2007 t-shirts Dear god it's all like a Norton family reunion up in here.

Photo Credit Josh Gulch
Charles wishes he was someplace else when Jeff talks trash James seems disgusted by what Jeff is saying. I don't blame him.

Photo Credit Josh Gulch
I really know how to show the human element I pat myself on the back for taking one of the least flattering portraits of James and Laura.

Photo Credit Josh Gulch
VIDEO FILE - Click to view Jakab's chair broke so he took out his frustrations by smashing it against a tree.

VIDEO FILE

Click to view
Running time: 8 seconds
File size: 2.20 mb

Video Credit Josh Gulch
Call Jakab Norton for all your furniture destruction needs Jakab stands proud of his handiwork. It is a good day.

Photo Credit Josh Gulch
This is so very sad It is a sign that times are hard when friends can't even have a conversation without being interrupted by an alligator.

Photo Credit Josh Gulch
This is so very sweet Ian wuves his alligator, yes he does!

Photo Credit Josh Gulch
'Cause really, it's not my fault she's of the female variety Alexis threatened to beat me up several times. I may or may not have deserved such treatment.

Photo Credit Josh Gulch
This was just before we harvested his kidneys Amidst the flow of social conversation and friendly interaction, Matt passed out.

Photo Credit Josh Gulch
And no nose spray in sight Josh is allergic to social situations. They get his sinus all worked up.

Photo Credit Josh Gulch
Maybe it's that blasted alligator again What on Earth could Alexis, Ian, and Jakab all be looking at? The world may never know.

Photo Credit Josh Gulch
HOOOOOOOOGAN! Bearing a monocle, Dan is a gentleman and a scholar.

Photo Credit Josh Gulch
He may have also been senile A wise Sioux elder once spoke of "a Kim between two Nortons." Could this may be a sign of his wisdom?

Photo Credit Josh Gulch
VIDEO FILE - Click to view Dan lights an entire pack of sparklers in one go.

VIDEO FILE

Click to view
Running time: 35 seconds
File size: 5.99 mb

Video Credit Josh Gulch
Malcolm lawn parties are dangerous One of the Malcolm's patented gopher traps goes off.

Photo Credit Josh Gulch
COLD WAR FEVER Paul prepares to launch his rocket before the Russians can make the first move.

Photo Credit Josh Gulch
If there was ever any doubt that you were currently on the Internet, let this be your affirmative answer Laura adorned Phil and Charles with KISS make-up so they could Slip 'n Slide in mad style.

Photo Credit Josh Gulch
It may even be his weekend thang I honestly doubt that this is the first time Charles has worn KISS make-up.

Photo Credit Josh Gulch
Let this image embed itself upon your brain Phil Power Slip 'n Slides with Charles.

Photo Credit Josh Gulch
Next year Phil will be lashed to a giant kite Yep. This is definitely one of Ian's birthday parties.

Photo Credit Josh Gulch
You can purchase this for your next outdoor party! Charles and Phil have another go down the 'Slide.

Photo Credit Josh Gulch
It's kind of beautiful, isn't it? Y'know, Phil and Charles may just be made for one another.

Photo Credit Josh Gulch
Chaz puts the glam in summer fun Charles rocks the Slip 'n Slide like no one ever has before him.

Photo Credit Josh Gulch
Ian has some crazy momentum This was just a second before Ian plowed right through Josh, who was minding his business taking pictures.

Photo Credit Josh Gulch
And soaked the camera in the process Robbie clearly won this race against Phil.

Photo Credit Josh Gulch
Nor would they normally want to Brooke and Robbie were the first pair to go down the Slip 'n Slide where one of them wasn't wearing face paint. Not many people can claim that distinction.

Photo Credit Josh Gulch
Part of me was hoping that Ian would miss Ian dives under Robbie's bridged legs. It took daring on Robbie's part and skill on Ian's behalf.

Photo Credit Josh Gulch
The UN needs to pick up a couple Slip 'n Slides Reconciled after the injury, Ian and Josh Slip 'n Slide to forgiveness.

Photo Credit Josh Gulch
Like the Battle of Stalingrad The triple power slide with Charles, Robbie, and Phil didn't go so well.

Photo Credit Josh Gulch
Every party has its kinks It just wouldn't be a Malcolm summer party without someone being hosed off.

Photo Credit Josh Gulch
Ian takes joy in doing this Charles gets the hose again.

Photo Credit Josh Gulch
He'll bust you down into bits of small gravel For reals, you do not want to screw with Jeff.

Photo Credit Josh Gulch
Memories of the burning will remain etched in his mind for years to come Phil removed the makeup with great difficulty and a layer of skin from his face.

Photo Credit Josh Gulch
His inspiration was someone who listened to Nine Inch Nails too often Charles pulled himself out of his parent's basement to play us a song about the women who wronged him.

Photo Credit Josh Gulch
Or 'Little Ian' in polite company Josh nicknamed his forehead bump "Ian's Legacy."

Photo Credit Josh Gulch
They're probably discussing Millard Fillmore's term as Vice President under Zachary Taylor I think this is the most dynamic photo that I have of people sitting in chairs talking to one another.

Photo Credit Josh Gulch
Foiled again! Robbie and Brooke fall victim to the infamous chair toppling gopher hole, which had claimed Ian only two weeks prior.

Photo Credit Josh Gulch
We do this a lot, don't we? A photo of Kim taking a picture of Josh who is taking a picture of her.

Photo Credit Josh Gulch
He could survive in the wilderness with prepackaged food Dan, a mighty outdoorsman, has prepared a meal using only the raw elements and some marshmallows.

Photo Credit Josh Gulch
Giant bugs are why we must be careful with radiation This is Alisa's reaction to giant bugs. Terrified, to be certain.

Photo Credit Josh Gulch
He was the Great Camper in Valhalla Jeff was once held in Norse mythology as a great hunter of marshmellons. His legend has faded but the mallow memories remain forever puffy.

Photo Credit Josh Gulch
But still low on the Phil Creep-o-meter Not all of Phil's face paint washed out and it looked like he was wearing mascara for the rest of the night. It was slightly creepy.

Photo Credit Josh Gulch
A tiny bunny hopped by, saw Dan in such a pose, and felt a lifetime's worth of shame all at once Dan airs his armpits out in the summer night.

Photo Credit Josh Gulch
It might actually be the other way around though There's a rumor that Mike always has a grip on every situation even when those around him are in confusion over the details.

Photo Credit Josh Gulch
It's a dangerous world that we live in It's hard to feel comfortable when there's an Alisa stalking up behind you.

Photo Credit Josh Gulch
Though usually these poses are her craning for a better camera angle Kim is full of action and dramatic poses no matter what hour of day or night.

Photo Credit Josh Gulch
It's actually quite sad Phil is playing Magic.

Nerrrrrrrd.

Photo Credit Josh Gulch
She's on the see-food diet and, oh ... I already told that one once Kim simply has no manners at all!

Photo Credit Josh Gulch
Or Ian's collision knocked something loose I think this is the first photo I've willingly taken of Ashley that didn't demonize her. Must be indigestion on my part.

Photo Credit Josh Gulch
He also got his nipple chewed off by Alisa Robbie always managed to get all the ladies.

Photo Credit Josh Gulch
One and one do not equal two Dan seems pretty happy. But he is also playing Magic.

There is a disparity here.

Photo Credit Josh Gulch
Sadder even than an egg that will never become a chicken Charles sat alone in a separate room playing Guitar Hero.

This may be the saddest thing ever.

Photo Credit Josh Gulch
It was his thing in, like, 1997 Jeff Osthimer: Plugging Mountain Dew for over a decade!

Photo Credit Josh Gulch
Dan just wasn't the same after this Jeff had Dan removed so that he could join into the Magic game.

Behind Jeff is Josh's birthday present to Ian.

Ian's Web Course Kicks His Butt
Photos: 1 | 2 | 3

Photo Credit Josh Gulch
It's game over man, game over Paul can't say for sure what's going on. Nothing makes sense at this point.

Though he and Josh did make lists of nicknames that Jeff likes and dislikes.

Photo Credit Josh Gulch
But we the people want to know why he bears a BG keychain as a UT student James is dead serious and wants to know why there are people in his house.

Photo Credit Josh Gulch
He will not soon forget this Dan is still disappointed that he was removed from Magic by Jeffrey.

Photo Credit Josh Gulch
The gas kicks in quickly Sleep, Charles. Rest your head and embrace your dreams.

Photo Credit Josh Gulch
A Malcolm on your side will get you through any war Ian abandoned us. James scowled at us. We still have Mimi on our side.

Photo Credit Josh Gulch
OBEY OBEY OBEY OBEY OBEY OBEY OBEY OBEY OBEY OBEY OBEY OBEY OBEY OBEY OBEY OBEY OBEY OBEY OBEY OBEY OBEY OBEY OBEY OBEY OBEY OBEY OBEY OBEY OBEY OBEY OBEY OBEY OBEY OBEY OBEY OBEY OBEY OBEY OBEY OBEY OBEY OBEY OBEY OBEY OBEY OBEY OBEY OBEY OBEY OBEY How's this for subliminal?

Photo Credit Josh Gulch
My bump, my bump, my lovely Joshy bump Ian's legacy lives on even after he left his own party behind.

Photo Credit Josh Gulch
It even has flouride in it Robbie has some water that he wishes to sell you. It may be worth thinking about.

Photo Credit Josh Gulch
Though the message is not always clear Phil is insistent on getting messages across.

Photo Credit Josh Gulch
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Engaged 8 July 2007 | Updated 7 August 2007